Sunday, September 6, 2009

I am heartbroken. As I sit in the empty hospital room awaiting my husbands return from oral surgery I remember the first time I "met" him. I was his radio dispatcher and he was a voice on the other side. The first time I heard that voice I was intrigued and after months and months of radio transmissions and phone calls we finally did meet. I love that voice. I love the sound of it as I lay my head on his chest. I love the way he whispers to me. I love the laughter, the surprised sounds, even the anger. His voice radiates authority- demands obedience. But it is also soft, loving, caring. Many a night I wrapped myself in that voice, feeling secure and loved by it's sound. I love it all and it is all gone. Never again will I hear him tell me he loves me with "that voice". I took all those days for granted. How many times did I not listen. Oh the times I said "just shut up" in anger." My poor husband. My poor, poor husband.
His nurse comes in to see if I'm ok and, with tears coursing down my face, matching the rain cascading down the windows of his room, I tell her "No-but I will be. I'm grieving the loss of George's voice." With a hug and warm words she hands me a box of tissues and quietly closes the door.
This is the first time I've so totally, completely fallen apart. All I can do is sob- the deep, stomach-hurting sobs that feel like they are being ripped and torn from my soul. I am slowly realizing how truly life-altering this journey is.
I am so unprepared. I know I have to be strong for my husband, for our families but I can't do this, I just cannot do this. I am not strong enough, not smart enough... I cannot do this!!! Yet I know I must.


  1. My heart goes out to you!
    My eyes were so blurred with tears while reading this.

  2. I feel for you. I know how hard this must be for you.
    Takc care and be strong.

  3. I have had you & George in my prayers.
    Someone out there really cares....I care!


  4. Hello, I have been reading your heartfelt words. I am so sorry for all the pain you, your husband and your families are feeling right now.
    I lost a breast to cancer 7 years ago. As a woman I was devastated, and yes I too was vain. My treatment was surgery, chemo and radiation....a very rough year for me. Once I accepted that this would be who I was and that the invasion of cancer would always be a part of my life I began to let go of the past, the old me. It can be done, I know....I did it.
    I too had to have my top teeth removed because of infection found with an MRI....the body needed all its resources to fight my cancer and not compete with infections.
    It takes time to accept what is happening right now....Cancer blindsides us, we are never prepared.....but I want to assure you that there is life after cancer and it can be a very good life. That choice can only be made by you and your husband.....please know it is okay to be frighten, angry, sad, there will even be times you will just feel like giving up. Lean on each other, love each other and draw strength from each other. You and your husband can do this, but not in one day. This will take time and so it should as you need this time to adjust.
    When looking at your husband and what this disease has done to his body please look at his battle scars with love as these scars have saved his life, a life that can last many more years, they are a reminder that he has been given back to you. Be patient and kind with him and yourself and know others do care. You may not always feel this way but please believe me they do.
    I will keep you, your husband and your families in my thoughts and prayers and I will be back to see how all is going.......:-) Hugs

  5. Thank you so much for your prayers and support. Your words of comfort mean so much.