Friday, January 15, 2010

He shuffle steps up the hall banging on walls with his hand and on the floor with his cane. Newspapers soar into the air, diving under the table as if looking for a place to hide. Innocent objects are hurled to their death as Hurricane George roars through the dining room. My husband is having a melt down. A Three-Mile Island, 10 alarm, all-hands-on-deck, meltdown.
Bang! Bang! Bang! The cane hits the floor over and over, harder and harder. To that sound is added the stamping of feet, the crash of glass and the crraack of a wall giving way.
As weak as he is he still has enough force to put his fist into the wall. The resulting crack and hole reveal more about his state of mind than words would ever divulge.
His energy spent, he stands amid broken glassware, shattered dishes, and pieces of wallboard. He is at once horrified and embarrassed. Salt, pepper and sugar add to the crunching under his feet as he makes his way to the living room.
Once on the sofa he collapses into sobs. His shoulders heave as tears roll down his cheeks but he makes no sound. My heart is breaking for him. He keeps mouthing “Why? Why?” over and over. I can’t hug him--his neck and shoulders are too burnt and sore to touch. I have no words to say that will soothe him. His anger and humiliation are too great for tender words or touches. He is not yet ready to allow me into his hurt. I can see he needs to feel this, needs to go through it and come out on the other side and he needs to do it on his own.
This is another kind of waiting I do. One that is so much harder than just sitting in a chair. This is the wait that says “It’s ok – I understand, I’m here.” It’s a wait that doesn’t judge or condemn. This wait says “I’ll be here when you’re through. I’ll be right here when you’re ready to reach out.”
He says he wants to die. He doesn’t want to be a burden on me. His new term is “Living Hell.” He lives there, with no relief, day after day after day. He wants it to end.
At this point I don’t know what to tell him. I can only imagine how he feels and why he feels that way and I don’t know how I feel about that. The things they haven’t told us still trump the few things they did deliver,
Nobody –and I mean No One – said anything about human hurricanes in my home…..I would’ve gone out and purchased storm damage insurance or at least had a storm party so there would be folks around to witness the phenom.
This is another one of those things I know will pass with time and will just become part of the blur that is recovery but…Whew……I didn’t know I was going to need armor! 


  1. Oh Quieten, George is not only in pain but sounds so frustrated at all the changes taking place in his life and his body. I am sorry for all this. I think it is normal, he probably is terribly frightened.
    How are you? You sound so patient and understanding and I know your world as you knew it is falling apart as well, but you are right, this too shall pass.
    Do you think you should speak to your doctor about how George feels? He may be able to help with advice or medication.
    My heart just aches for you both, wish I were closer to be able to help somehow. Always I keep you both in my heart and prayers....:-) Hugs

  2. Dearest Quieten, I am taking a break from blogging for a outside responsibilities have overwhelmed me. But I want you to know that I am still praying daily for you both...I cry as I read this...tears stream down my cheeks...I am very, very sorry. George is walking through the valley of the shadow of is horrible. And you are extraordinarily wise. I am in awe. I send you my love. And while I may be offline, you will be much in my heart...if you would like to stay in touch while I am offline, you can go to my blog,and click on the "Bio" tab just beneath my header. It will bring up another blog page and in the upper right hand corner is an "Email Me" button. Click on it, and shoot me a note and I will be able to keep in touch with you even while I am away. I wish there were more that I could do...but you have my shoulder if you need or want it. My heart is with you!!! Love, Janine XO

  3. Well you certainly have a remarkable understanding of the situation Quieten. It is so difficult to watch the people that we love, suffer, in anyway, without stepping in and wanting to comfort them. But I do believe that giving George his space is the right decision. And I think that a lot of prayer is in order. I will pray for George's emotional and physical well being and for your continued strength in dealing with it.
    Love Di

  4. I imagine his expressing his feelings in this manner is a big release for him, both physical and mental, but extremely hard for you to observe as well. He is just consumed with frustration and needs your continued patience and understanding. I don't know what his life was like "before"...but it would seem to be much harder for a man to accept his inability to see himself as a strong individual. He needs hope to become a little closer to what he was. Wish that was easy to give him...maybe with time.

  5. Dear Quieten
    You have much strength and courage!
    It's so hard what George is going through and must be so difficult for you to bear!

    I think of both of you often and remember back to that day when I first found your blog and could not hold back the tears after reading your first posts.

    God be with you during this difficult time!


  6. Quieten,
    My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is for you to see George go through all this. Just be strong and continue to have courage to do what you think is best for George.
    You are in my prayers and thoughts.
    Take care.