Sunday, August 30, 2009

I have not cried this much in my life.
My father died 3 months ago and I was just beginning to hope I was finally through with the waves of grief that crash over me without warning. Now I'm a tidal wave of emotion. I am a mess! I seem to be on automatic as I make all the necessary appointments.
I've told my friends and my children. Thank God the kids are both adults. I am so thankful for their support but also concerned for them. They may be grown, but, to me, they are still young people that need protection. By law George is their step-father, but he is truly their father in every sense of the word.
George has not yet processed any of this. He has that "deer in the headlights" look on his face and is barely speaking to anyone. He was adamant that he not lose his vocal cords and now cannot comprehend that this is exactly what is going to happen.
He has decided not to tell his kids yet. I don't agree with this but am too numb to argue. I'll deal with that later.
So far I've learned about x-rays, cat scans -with and without dyes, ultrasounds, endoscopies, MRA's, MRI's and PET scans. Now I'm discovering the world of biopsies,PEG tubes (a feeding tube that is being put into his stomach), tracheostomies and tracheotomies. The upcoming biopsy surgery will include the insertion of a peg tube and, if the biopsy confirms their diagnosis, a tracheostomy will be performed in preparation for the radical neck dissection and total laryngectomy. WHAT????? Radical??? Total????
I understand the medical terms but still cannot completely grasp that these words pertain to my husband.

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